Poems

Pink Fades into Purple

Oh how wondrous it is to observe the many fascinations of your soul
And how I yearn to soak up every moment I can
Days only counted when they are in your warm proximity
A gentle ache within my core I could get used to
Deeply nestled within all the spaces you occupy in the caverns of my mind
And upon the ventricles of my heart, the places reserved for only you

Contorted Insides

Lighter now, empty

But the space has begun to shrink

One day balance will be achieved

For now it's pressed tightly against January

The last leaves falling

I'm sitting with this for now

I'll allow myself this just once

Indulgence in all things soured love

Whispers of memories vanishingly slowly

It rises and falls between the deep night

And sore mornings stumbling out of bed

I accept it all for what it is

No more distortion, no less disappointing

This is where we are

This is who you are

This is how I get back to who I am

Autumn Leaves, Act II

I knew that when I kissed you 

I tasted bitter poison in your lips

But I chose to ignore the warnings

Giving myself away for free

I left myself wide open for you 

Taking every last part of me 

Until all that was left was a broken mess

Now I can't remember how to breathe 

And I'm being buried under autumn leaves 

Clawing my way out but for what 

This fucked up experiment is over 

Wanting nothing more than to fall 

Into familiar arms that know how to catch me 

Return to Elysia

Jealousy in my heart

Like a wounded animal

Dying alone

There's nothing left to do

I've tried everything short of giving up

A whole year wasted 

Chasing fields I'll never be able to roam now

Tarrying in Elysian dreams

Salt

Feet pressed firmly on loose soil

Head pointed north, facing the horizon

Walking between the directions I've been pulled in

I've watched all my hard work come undone 

The plastic stars have all fallen off my ceiling

All I see now are the thorns on every flower

And all I taste is salt in everything I eat

Every color overwhelms my eyes

So I keep them closed

Let God cleanse this broken body

Bring me a swift death and birth rapid decomposition

Will you accept my love? 

Bury it in the tomb of all your false lovers

Will you accept my love?

Bury it under your callous heart

Will you accept my love? 

Bury it in the tomb of all your false lovers

Will you accept my love?

Bury it under your callous heart

Bleeding Fatigue

Everything in chaos 

Nothing in bloom 

The air tastes acrid 

And every streetlight 

Is burning phosphorus 

The world blurs around me 

I'm pulling through but 

I'm not pulling my weight 

Bleeding fatigue and my legs won't move

The world is spinning 

And I'm running 

I'm running 

I'm running and I can't wait 

To make it inside 

The Killer Is You

Overflowing with love and it has no place to go 

It keeps out of all the wounds of time 

Spilling onto the ground before it evaporates

I'm certain now, more than ever that I'll always be alone 

You tore down my defenses and left me broken 

Now there's nowhere left to call home

I hate love and I hate loving you even more 

It's all so beyond my control 

If I could I'd let it all go

Buried it in the ground and never look back

Maybe one day I'll kill the you in my heart

Using the knives you stuck in me over the year

Was I ever even truly on your mind

Did your words ever really have meaning 

Because all I ever saw was disappointment on my face 

Staring in mirrors tracing all the age lines in my skin

I'm not getting younger and the pain keeps piling on 

My back is hurting from dragging you with me

I'm too much of a coward to let go

My hands can't seem to open anymore 

Every finger locked tight from writing about you every single night 

Not a day goes by where you're not circling my thoughts 

Like a hungry wolf circling it's prey

It's all a matter of time before I let you devour me

Will you leave any parts of me behind 

Or am I destined to be wholly consumed 

Have we really become Strangers 

I'm not sure what I'm even living for anymore 

I lost my drive 

And you killed my compassion for everything 

Why do I even love you when all it leads to 

Is me hating the person I am

Let me let you go

Using Poison as a Substitute for Love

You sent me back down a path

I never wanted to walk down

Retracing steps and re-remembering things

Trying to piece together a blurry history

It all slowly pours out from me now

Like a teapot that was allowed to cool

Wasted potential, resources, and energy

Now all I want to do is rest

And forget all the rest

Every bit of poison you injected into me

Like a high with a rough come down

I couldn't get enough

But I think I've finally had enough

It's not longer what I want

And it will never be what I need

I'm learning to let go

Accepting what is and isn't my fault

Better now for knowing

Next time maybe I'll learn to look a little closer

Examine things thoroughly before giving myself away

I can't say for certain if I regret it all

However its a damp and uncomfortable feeling

One that I don't think will ever leave me now

A slight recurring nausea and a resulting loss of appetite

I didn't live a lifetime in your eyes

I lived within a lie, a dismal fantasy carved out of lust

Now I'm learning to live with that

Learning to live again

Finding what makes my insides shake 

Truthfully....

You want the simple truth?

I wish I never met you

The way my hands rot in yours

While you corrupt my body with your cold touch

I'm losing sleep and I'll never get the skin I had back

Cutting through me faster than cold autumn mornings

The silence is digging into my waist

Nothing feels good anymore

And for the first time I am lost

Knees

Trapped in discordance

My body and mind unaligned

Beauty forsaken by such rough hands

I want to vomit forth my insides

Until there is nothing left but a hollow shell

I've become barren and worthless

Affection only finds me painted up, wrapped in dirty cloth

Down on my knees, begging to just be seen

I'll always be here in the spaces in between

On the margins beside early morning light

And the darkest corners of the coldest nights

21-33

Twenty one and thirty three

Wandering again so aimlessly

You meant the world to me

And now that you're gone

I am incomplete 

This world flipped upside down

I listen but you never make a sound

Truly on my own now

Autumn in Recurrence

I fell on the early side of autumn 

It opened up old wounds

And the truth came spilling out

Red like the leaves falling all around us

Haunted by the silhouette of letters 

Composed into prose in the shape of memories 

You sharpened them like daggers 

I can't help but run my fingers across their edge

This hurt is all I've ever known 

And so is the emptiness that accompanies it

It's the company I fought to keep 

So I'll learn to live with it just a little while longer

My Heart Is in Blighttown

You are weeping sickness 

Drawing out of my open wounds 

Arms frail and lined with red divisions

Cutting into me deeper and deeper 

I want the pain to stop but I welcome it too

It's all the same 

Love like a bomb sent in the mail 

I have to receive it for that is all I've ever known 

Reaching back with shattered hands

Shaped like autumn and pressed into my velvet dress

Your touch is electric but it electrocutes me

Like a vat filled with eels and I can't claw my way out

I can't hear your voice but I know you're calling for me 

I'm searching for the way out but you sealed it off

Forever trapped in this rotting fantasy 

You are a blight upon my heart

Never Escaping the Dullness of Every Last Word That You Spoke to Me

Something tells me the seasons are about to change

But it isn't the weather

I can feel this energy radiating between us

Across this channel you carved out in silence

It fills the void with a razor sharp air

That cuts into my lungs

I can feel them filling up

Choking

Suffocating

Crying

Reaching out

I never realized it was possible

To be both dead and alive at the same time

Like there are two halves of me

Living to different lives

One trapped in a past still clinging on to whispers of you

Refusing to accept that the words have become a dull crackle of static

The other trying to escape the bindings of that same past

Somehow you have trapped me here

And I want so badly to escape

I wish I knew how to free myself

But I've never been good at letting go

Especially when I've seen something through to it's smallest pieces

I want to believe that there is an alternate dimension somewhere

That things worked out between us

But I'm having a hard time accepting that this is not that place

There is a haunting here that hides within the shadows

Of all the former places our love resided

All the parks, a vacant home, roads I've walked a million times

None of it is safe to traverse

I risk my life setting foot on those vestiges of time 

So I make sure that my feet stay planted firmly in my room

Trapped in a dimly lit coffin behind a screen of glass

Watching the world safely from inside

Or at least thats how it seems

But I know that this place is haunted too

These words are possessed 

I'll find the right thing to say one day

To exercise these demons from my fingers

So they can be released from your grasp

Yet your grip still finds its way around me neck

You're in the space between the sheets

When I'm trying to sleep 

Clinging softly against my skin

A gentle reminder of times that now only bring me pain

Everywhere is hallow ground

When I've yet to escape the sound of your voice

As it falls into my ears

Or I reflect on all that is written about you

I'd burn it all down if I could find peace

I'll find the courage to strike a match

So that I can throw it on every page tainted by your name

Then, I'll walk away forever until the final sunset over all that we were

Vestigial

I took a deep breath and I held it in

Until my lungs couldn't take it anymore

They imploded and a massive force was released

Straight through my chest and out onto the ground

I could finally see everything for what it truly was

A silly little reason to stop breathing

Something that was causing me more harm than good

It may sound mean but I think you deserve your sorrow

Because you take it and you wield it like a weapon

Driving it deep into everyone around you

Dragging them down with you

And when you can't get what you want from them

Or when you are just bored of having them in your life

You cut them out like a vestigial organ 

Tossing them aside to be gnawed at by the rats

Swarmed with flies and covered in maggots

There is a rot inside of you

You will continue to rot until you face 

Not only your own source of pain

But your actions that have caused pain towards others

All the loveless loves of your life

Running away and hiding behind a screen

Disconnecting the line and avoiding them at all costs

What about the weight that they carry?

What about the all the effort, and time, and energy

Spent on trying to give you everything you needed?

It was never enough

It was not the idealized fever-dream reality you just had to have

So you let them go

In doing so you let yourself slide further away 

From everything you wanted, that was always standing there

Right in front of you

Just an Ugly Bitch

Fuck this crooked body

And fuck this broken heart

I never learned how to love

Or figured out how to be

The woman that they'd desire 

Just an ugly bitch

Good for an easy lay

Never knowing what I wanted

Well what's the fucking point

Never should've made it this far 

It's a miracle but not the good kind

The type that hangs in your lungs

And chokes you in your throat

The Spaces In Between, Out of Sight, Out of Reach

Try and remember 

How we arrived in September 

Fading and falling fast

Knowing it couldn't last

I've forgotten why I felt that way

Like branches in the wind we sway

Unable to move any further than this 

Still feeling the outline of each kiss

You know you needed me

It was never something you could easily see

Burning wood embers waving smoke at night 

Always just out of sight

Could never see through 

Wouldn't even know what to do

Maybe we're better for it now 

Though I'm not sure how

Lay in the leaves on the ground 

Where we can always be found 

Here and there unseen

And spaces all in between

Arms outstretched forever 

It was either always or never 

You made a choice 

Ignoring the pain in my voice 

Live with and die with it 

Live with and die with regret